I cannot think of one thing that a cruise offers that isn\u2019t available in the safe bosom of dry land<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t swim<\/a>. This is a fairly crucial element of my backstory, something that defines me even if I don\u2019t want it to and have begged people to stop asking me about it. Water and I simply have nothing in common. I\u2019m a 41-year-old writer, and water is, well \u2026 wet. My son swims like a fish, and as soon as I dunk my head under the surface, I start wondering what it would be like to suffocate, how soon I can come back up, and what I\u2019m even doing down there in the first place. As bad as a pool is, the ocean is even worse. It\u2019s not just water. It\u2019s water with living creatures<\/em> in it. What\u2019s down there? I don\u2019t care to find out. Things are bad enough up here.<\/p>\n My general lack of interest in swimming, perhaps better described as a horrible fear, is one of the reasons I\u2019ve never been on a cruise. God forbid I have to escape because of some kind of Steven Seagal\/Under Siege<\/a> situation. I\u2019d jump on the edge of the boat, desperately attempt to doggy-paddle and end up at the bottom of the Mariana trench.<\/p>\n Dave Schilling is a Los Angeles-based writer and humorist<\/p>\n Continue reading…<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I cannot think of one thing that a cruise offers that isn\u2019t available in the safe bosom of dry land I don\u2019t swim. This is a fairly crucial element of my backstory, something that defines me even if I don\u2019t want it to and have begged people to stop asking me about it. Water and … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-73604","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/news2shorts.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/73604","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/news2shorts.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/news2shorts.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/news2shorts.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/news2shorts.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=73604"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/news2shorts.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/73604\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/news2shorts.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=73604"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/news2shorts.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=73604"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/news2shorts.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=73604"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}